As the great Alfred Lord Tennyson once put it, ‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.’
In the early months following the demise of my relationship, I struggled to see how I would ever be able to love anyone as much as I loved him again. I was certain that we would spend the rest of our lives thinking that perhaps that one another were the one that got away, forever tainted by the loss of this love.
A year and 3 months on, my views are beginning to change. Don’t get me wrong – he will always be my first love and he will always hold a small piece of my heart. I would be lying to myself if I completely disregarded that. But if you were to ask me today if I thought it was possible for me to love again – I’d say, ‘damn straight it is!’
For me, opening up to idea of dating again was a slow process. It began with me not wanting to think, look or talk to another guy. I felt as though doing so would be a betrayal to him. My mourning period and grieving overshadowed any notion of entertaining other men.
I then went to Europe, two months following the break up, (initially still in this mindset). The long European Summer nights got the better of me however, and I left that trip with a few stolen kisses from a couple of suitors. #noregrets
Upon my return to Melbourne – bung knee and all – I found myself retreating to my previous mindset. The thought of dating again honestly made me feel sick. The last thing I wanted to think about was him with another woman, and me with another man.
I think this was because I still had a lot of healing to do. Sure, my trip was a great learning experience in the interim, but it was also a distraction. I now had to learn the meaning of self-care and self-love in order to move forward.
Flash forward a few weeks, my dislocated knee on the mend, I went out one night with the girls. There I met one of their friends, not intending for anything to happen, but one thing lead to another and we began seeing each other for the few months that followed. Unfortunately, as many of you reading this would know, timing has a big part to play in the outcome of any relationship. I still wasn’t 100% ready to allow myself to be completely open to the idea of being with him officially, in terms of ‘girlfriend’ and ‘boyfriend’ labelling. Sure, I liked him a lot, and I know he liked me too – but he wasn’t ready to wait for me – and I wasn’t ready to be ready any time soon. It was difficult, but we decided to remain friends.
Flash forward again a couple months – I had been doing lots of work on myself – and was really learning to be okay on my own. A night out with friends again caused me to meet It’s all in a hug guy annnnnd the rest, as the saying goes, is history.
I don’t know what the future holds here, but my spidey senses are tingling and let’s just say, the reservations I held previously have completely diminished. I can now safely say that for the first time since my break up, that I know what it feels like to have that potential of being able to love someone again – just as much as my first love, if not more.
Now if you’re reading this, hug guy – don’t freak out – this isn’t my public declaration of love for you. This is me noticing a change in my personal mindset – of once being closed off to loving again, to now realizing that there is a definite possibility for me to love again. You might have a small part to play in this. Thanks dude 👍🏼
It’s not every day you meet your opposite sex equivalent – but as he and I have come to realise, we have A LOT in common. A little too much! Down to the bank account organization! What the hell? In fact – we constantly freak ourselves out over how many of our beliefs, values and mindsets are alike. Its freaky shit – but I like it.
My first and I had a lot in common as well. I know they say that opposites attract but for me personally, commonality works best in my relationships as I find having common interests and values minimizes a lot of stress and unnecessary arguments. My first and I did disagree on a couple of major topics, however you tend to turn a blind eye for the ones you love. As time goes on though, sometimes you grow apart, and these differences become even more apparent. Sometimes you start off on the same path and then the routes change – whether you choose to go down the same path together or not is up to a range of factors.
Now I’m starting to realise that despite having a lot in common with my first – perhaps I have even more in common with those who are currently in my life. It’s not just about having a lot in common, it’s about having the right things in common – and this is the difference in my interactions within my relationships that I am starting to be more aware of and acknowledge as important.
My thoughts lead me to believe that if I was able to love the wrong person so much – imagine the amount of love I will be able to give to the right person. The potential to love again definitely exists, but it takes a while to get through the fog and gain a clearer perspective of this possibility.
Whatever happens in my future it’s comforting to know that just because one loving process may end, it doesn’t mean love ends for good. I have come to realise that we all have a range of soul mates that come into our lives to teach us valuable lessons, and to help our souls evolve. This is what opens us up to the opportunity of multiple loves – a concept I never quite understood until now.
It’s true that it is better to have loved and lost, because had I had not loved at all, I would have never come to this conclusion. Being in love once taught me how to love again, as did being loved. Love is a beautiful thing, and our lifetime spent on this earth is short. Building walls to avoid hurt and heartbreak only hinders your chances of experiencing new and better loving relationships. This is a risk I’m not willing to take because I love, love and all the good that comes with it.
My advice to those of you thinking you’ll never find love again… Start with yourself. Love yourself, and half the battle is already accomplished. Take the time to grieve your past relationships and when you’re ready, get back out there. Carpe diem!
Love, light, and a little more love,